These days i've been feeling so ... out of place. Like i dont really fit in anywhere. And i've been feeling so behind. On everything. School, friends, family. Sometimes i go to school and then its over before i know it; like i wasnt even there. I've gotten so quiet over this past year. I used to be SO DAMN LOUD last year. But now i never know what to say. My circle is drifting apart, my parents are fighting, i havent seen my dad in the past four days, i almost have a C in bio, and my body refuses to work with me. I dont understand; i used to be so smart. I should be in alg2 right now. And i damn right should have an A in bio. But what happened? It's not like i met the wrong people, its not like i have a shitty family, its not like i dont have the brains. I have so much potential inside of me and i know it. But i refuse to give more effort than i really need to; or try harder than i have to; or just break out of my comfort zone and speak up, speak out with the confidence that i know i have. About anything, everything. It's like im afraid of what people will think of me if i say the things that are bottled up in me. I know i shouldnt care about that, but doesnt everyone? Meeting new people used to be so easy for me. Prejudice didnt get in my way; and i didnt overthink every single little detail. I dont want the little things to bug me so much, but on the other hand, arent the little things sometimes what matters most?
I get jealous alot more often now. I understand that its a natural thing but sometimes it just overwhelms me by how much it bothers me. Like, 'why couldnt i have done that?' or 'i could have that' or 'why cant i be talented/ motivated/ smart/ outgoing/ pretty like her?' But what gets on my nerves the most is that i know i
have talent, and i know that i
have motivation and smarts. But it's all bottled up so deep inside that now the top of the bottle wont budge.
Like dance for instance. I continue to weigh the pros and cons of dance team. I know the dance team sucks and has disgusting costumes but on the other hand i really want to be...a part of something. That feeling of consistency, security that you feel when your a definite part of something? Who doesnt want that? Thats how i felt when i was a part of company a couple years back. I go to dance every single day, knowing that i would have something to work on and improve; knowing that my best friends and favorite teachers would be there; knowing that i wouldnt have to worry about anyone judging me or shit talking me. I guess that was why i love dance. It just kind of... connects everyone. You go to competitions together, you sweat together, eat together, laugh together, have fun together, learn new things together, help each other. Everythings...together. You
never feel alone. And when you accomplish something that you've been working at for a long time? Like finally making the 5th pirouette on high rel eve with a perfect and connected posse and landing nicely without falling; or finally doing 3 leg turns without falling out of them or dropping your leg; or hitting that second leap without pushing your shoulders forward and having your legs bent. See now that ...
that is the best feeling in the world.
I guess everything really just comes down to choices. Choosing whether to stick to your morals or to go for what you really want, even though you know its bad for you; physically, mentally, or both. Choosing what you think you want to do in the future. Or even just choosing what present to get for your cousin on her birthday: A gift card?
no, too unthoughtful; this is my cousin im talking about, she's family and i love her. but its so easy and fast! And ive had a long day and i just want to go home.People get stuck in those kinds of situations alot; i know i do. Those internal fights, devil vs. angel, bad against good.
So really, choices make us who we are, they show what we are really thinking or feeling. But sometimes, fate puts us in our place. And in those cases, i guess we dont really have a choice.
